Expectations for every holiday are high.
What do the holidays mean to you? Are they a source of happiness and peace, or do you feel that something is out of balance every time the holidays arrive?
Holidays themselves bring a great energetic charge into systems, and that is precisely one of the reasons why some old “family wounds” also flare up during this period.
Tradition
Strict tradition dictates that if we celebrate holidays, we gather around someone’s table. In our parts, holidays more often involve family than friends at the holiday table, so we have a bit less choice and end up with more guests at our holiday lunches and dinners.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing. On the contrary, I think it’s an opportunity to reexamine some traditions and, through the lens of awareness, look at our systems and how we behave within them. Who are the actors around us, and what kind of relationships do we have?
From personal experience, I know that even a few weeks before the holidays themselves, the atmosphere can start to simmer. The importance of questions like, “Who will we be with?” and “What will be cooked, and whose dishes will be praised more?” are just some of the symptoms of a system that seeks to restore balance and uses the holidays for this purpose because they’re the perfect opportunity. Everyone’s accounted for; when will they resolve hidden disagreements, if not now?
Optimistic system
Our system, that good old optimist who never gives up, offers us the same image of the holiday table, the same hidden connections, the same dynamics, the same hidden loyalties, the same attempts and failures, until it is satisfied and content.
The holidays are therefore an ideal opportunity to feel and notice our triggers. What is it that particularly triggers me? When and in front of whom do I feel good, when do I feel threatened, when do I go on the defensive, with whom would I rather not talk, and how much of my personal energy do I end up with?
Beliefs and patterns
The first thing we associate with holidays is beliefs and rigidly entrenched patterns. Holidays are celebrated in a certain way, and any change can be perceived as a kind of sacrilege. But times change, and needs are different. It’s interesting to see that even people for whom the holidays don’t mean anything in a religious sense insist on gathering, even though a similar gathering could take place any other day. It’s interesting how some holiday tables are always on the verge of conflict, and few people feel good about them afterward, yet they’ll still happen with the same lineup next year.
To see in a new way?
Are you ready to adapt the holidays to suit yourselves? What am I responsible for? Do I want to break out of the usual dynamics and give myself and everyone else involved a chance to connect in a new way? Can I see that my mother’s need for her cakes to be praised is a camouflaged need for recognition and praise that may never have been met? Can I see that the children running wild around the table are just part of a system that wants to be alive, rather than these lulled-in mummies at the table, and thank them? Can I see that my partner, who mostly stays silent at the table and later gets into a conflict with me, is actually suffering much more than I’m ready to admit?
And where am I in all this?
This is just a train of thought prompted today by several conversations with friends and acquaintances who are a bit apprehensive about the holidays and sitting down at the table again. I tried to imagine how I would feel in the coming days and decided that I would try to be a mindful observer who, instead of resistance, would strive to support the system and see where the glimmers of light are and where to direct our attention so that we can move forward.
Maybe you’ve gone through all these phases, maybe you haven’t yet, maybe the holidays make you laugh, and maybe they make you sad. Either way, we uncover hidden system dynamics through constellations, and the holidays are ideal for showing us what we still need to work on.
I wish you happiness and productivity, wherever you may be!!
